When I entered 7th, my sister was born about a month after school started. I remember holding her and walking really slow across the hospital room with her, afraid I’d break her otherwise. In my eyes, she was perfect.
I finally got my first cell phone for my 13th birthday. I had to wait till that day to use it. I was only allotted 300 texts a month. I used them all the first day I had it. My parents had me calm down on the texting until they could add unlimited texting to the plan. I was very technology dependent, which has gotten me in trouble a lot.
Let’s fast forward a bit to the next huge life-changing event. I moved back to my hometown after four years. I had some crushes and even a couple of boyfriends during my freshman year of high school. Then I made the mistake of dating my best friend. He was amazing, and perfect, and funny, and cute…and totally off limits. His parents were determined to make him wait until college to have a girlfriend. This was the summer before he became a junior. We got caught, and he got grounded for 2 months. Later, I got grounded for a month. At the end of it, I was so emotionally unstable, I took up cutting.
I cut once and couldn’t stop. For two and a half years I couldn’t stop. I went from early-September of 2011 to late-January of 2012, and that was the longest. I ended up in a mental hospital in February 2011, and spent my Sweet 16 there. Then we found out what was wrong (I have bipolar disorder) and were able to fix it. I still cut after all of that. My brain was developing faster than the meds were, so there were days I was just as batcrap crazy as if I hadn’t taken anything at all.
Then things changed. I cut the day after my 18th birthday over something ridiculous. I didn’t cut at all for about 2 weeks after that. Then I had a really bad day. I was venting to my friend Matt about it, and told him how badly I wanted to cut. He made me swear right then and there to stop completely. I promised, partly out of fear that he’d contact my parents otherwise. But while I regret it in my darkest hours, I also am so happy about it in my finest.
December 17th was the 10 months cut-free mark. It’s also the 3-year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. I’m so grateful to everyone who got me through this. And as for all the haters…well, thanks for showing me I can be strong despite being kicked while I’m down. It’s been a rough road, I won’t lie. I’ve had nights where I cried myself to sleep because I wanted my blade so bad. I’ve come very close to cutting several times. But I’m still here. And I can thank God for every second of my life. He’s been more amazing than any human being ever could be. I owe my life to Him, and I will spend my whole life trying to make it up to Him.
I wrote this poem right before the 6-month cut-free mark. It was a different kind of love story—not romantic love, but the love only a friend can give. Thanks for listening.